Horses have been super important in video games since they were created by popular YouTuber VideoGameDunkey. Often, as the main way to travel as opposed to just running around slow as fuck, horses have been there for you to get you where you’re going faster because they’re good boys. Even when they are girls, they’re still good boys.
Without further delay, here’s our list of top five video game horses:
5: Ruin – Darksiders
You can’t do a list of top horses without including this flaming furious badass. War’s trusty steed Ruin was far more important to his task than Despair was for Death in Darksiders II.
Poor Rampage met his demise almost immediately in Darksiders III, and aside from that fairly bland Darksiders Genesis game, we’ve yet to see much of Mayhem. He’s unequivocally the most badass of the horsemen’s steeds, though they’re all super cool.
4. Agro – Shadow of the Colossus
Not since The Neverending Story made me cry like a little baby bitch panda watching Artax get stuck in the quicksand in the swamp of sadness did I ever feel as compelled to give a shit about a horse the way I did with Agro.
He’s literally leading the charge to make sure this light shining dingus is able to find his prey the colossi in order to save his girlfriend. I’d rather just play this game and run around freely in the countryside than assist Wander’s goofy ass.
3. Roach – The Witcher Series
Speaking of goofy asses, you can’t do a list of great horses without Geralt’s trusty retarded roof climbing buddy Roach. What started as janky game design by CD Projekt Red became a beloved trope in The Witcher series.
The meme-able nature of the horse’s antics even saw Roach’s Gwent card feature her on a rooftop. All and all, she’s lovably stupid and not too shabby for a horse named “small fry”.
2. Epona – The Legend of Zelda Series
Probably the most iconic of the horses on this list is Link’s valiant steed Epona. In fact, just by reading her name, you’re now likely humming her theme song.
Never one to shy away from a fight, Epona carries Link across the vast expanses of the Hyrulean countryside with the utmost urgency because rescuing Princess Zelda is just as important to her as it was to Link. She’s a real one, loyal through and through, and she’s always down to let you shoot arrows off her back anytime.
1. Unnamed Horse – A plethora of Video Games
Okay, yes – technically Lu Bu’s horse was named Red Hare, but this picture is still the shit so I’m keeping it. Besides, no one else is autistic enough to remember anything else about Dynasty Warriors except for “hehe Cow Pie”.
Anyway, whether it’s a horse that John Marston decided to giddy up on in Red Dead Redemption, a simple horse mount in an MMO, or even a horse type Pokémon, whatever horse that you associate most with by yourself is the clear winner of best horse ever.
That horse is the best because it means the most to you. I can’t decide which horse you give a shit about the most because it’s a personal preference choice. I was pretty partial to the horses in Dynasty Warriors cause they were cool and didn’t afraid of anything – but I’m kind of a spaz and pick stupid shit to get excited about.
All horses are good horses. There’s a reason why Reddit constantly asks “Would you rather fight 100 duck sized horses or one horse sized duck?” and it’s not because Redditors are all mouth-breathing morons – it’s because horses are awesome.
In fact, the only way to make a horse more awesome is to put a horn and/or wings on it and make it a Unicorn, Pegasus, or any other sort of Pegasaurus. Do you agree or disagree? Who are your top five video game horses? I mean, your list will suck compared to this one, but let’s hear it in the comments.
