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Niche Gamer’s Hottest Video Game Characters of All Time (APRIL FOOLS)

As technology advances, video game characters have gained increasingly more desirable characteristics. It has gotten to a point that the appeal has gotten so immense, that there are sub-markets of cosplayers who make a living off these characters that everyone has fantasized over at one point.

How can real women hope to compare? Most of the time, meat-space partners can be cold to us. It is a harsh reality that everyone must face: no matter how warm you are to her, there is no thawing an ice-queen. Why chill with a scornful 3D pig when you can spice up your life with a hot video game character?

These beauties ignite a burning passion in fans that cannot be cooled. To finally settle the debate, Niche Gamer has assembled a team of scientists to determine which video game vixen is the hottest. The science community have narrowed it down using hard math, and their findings will get you sweating.

 

2B (NieR: Automata)

Nier Automata 2B

To no surprise, 2B is present and accounted for. The characters of NieR: Automata are all generally very attractive, and much of the setting is in a post apocalyptic world- specifically a desert. The scorching winds that whip across 2B’s skirt area will reveal a secret to how hot she really is.

2B’s posterior is not wonderful for how round and plump it is. It serves a higher purpose of also functioning as a highly effective heat sink for 2B’s advanced android functions. Her rear is literally so hot, it can fry an egg. Temperatures that reach around 212 degrees Fahrenheit (100 degrees Celsius) would also suggest her sexy and iconic attire might be made of asbestos.

While she may be artificial, our love for her is not. This android is one hot mama, and even though she may act cold, her simmering and glistening buns will keep any man warm during the harshest winter. All wrapped up in 168cm in heels and… 148.8kg?!

 

Albert Wesker (Resident Evil 5)

Resident Evil 5 Albert Wesker

2B’s butt may have been pretty hot, but it is nothing compared to Resident Evil‘s blistering boy, Albert Wesker. This molten meanie has golden brown abs that resemble freshly oven baked buns that would make any hungry man’s mouth water. As tasty as those biscuits may be, they are not what makes Wesker so hot.

In his greatest moment, Wesker’s final attack against Chris Redfield and the other lady is set in an African volcano. Before he enjoys a mouth full of rocket propelled grenade, Wesker enjoyed bathing in molten rock that reaches around 2,200 degrees Fahrenheit (approx. 1,170 Celsius). He was so hot, that standing less than six feet away would give a bystander third degree burns.

Truly, there is no one hotter than Albert Wesker in the Resident Evil games. You wouldn’t even be able to urinate on him (we won’t kink shame. Much.) because of the fluid would instantly vaporize upon contact, which would make him much too hot to hug.

 

Crocomire (Super Metroid)

Crocomire might be the least loved of Mother Brain’s children, but is only because he was too innocent to be malicious. He is found in the hellish Norfair magma caves of planet Zebes, and he such a nice boy he doesn’t even attack Samus unless provoked.

His habitat is a sweltering hellscape that requires Samus to upgrade her power suit so she can endure the intense temperatures. Our buxom boy lives here and has for some time, as seen by his supple and gooey epidermis.

Crocomire shrugs off all missiles, intense laser blasts and even power bombs merely annoy him. He is mildly repulsed by the flavor of Samus’ arsenal, as it makes him timidly back away like a nervous toddler.

After Samus bullies poor Crocomire enough, he backs off a ledge and is fried in a large pit full of hydrochloric acid (though the English translation wrongly calls it lava). While acid melting to heat damage is a little harder to compare (and cost several interns), it sits at -5.9 pKa on the acidity scale; just shy of becoming a superacid which require their own scale.

For comparison, hydrochloric acid is used to “pickle” steel; removing stains and impurities from the surface. While steel is an alloy (and results vary), carbon steel has melting point around 2600 to 2800 degrees Fahrenheit (approx. 1425 to 1540 Celsius).

It wasn’t enough to live in the bad neighborhood of Zebes, but to be melted in this manner and have all of his flesh eaten off his bones ranks Crocomire high on the hotness meter.

 

Ceaseless Discharge (Dark Souls)

Dark Souls Ceaseless Discharge

While Crocomire had to live in a magma cave, Dark Souls‘ Ceaseless Discharge was born in it. This smoldering hunk has been oozing liquid fire from his brimstone sores since childhood, and has grown to a height that will make most women swoon. Norfair is a run of the mill magma cave on an alien planet, Ceaseless Discharge’s home is hell itself: the Demon Ruins of Lordran.

Raised by a coven of witches, this hot stud was made even hotter when his sisters created the the Chaos Flame. The immensity of the burning was so great, it changed him into the form every gamer is familiar with. Ceaseless Discharge is so hot that it’s depressing, and that he might kill himself knowing there is not a soul who can match him.

Notable characteristics of Ceaseless Discharge are his ceaselessly discharging wads of hot goo. The boy is practically dripping with the stuff, and is always eager to share the load with anyone who visits him in his chambers.

As we are delving into the realms of magic, it is harder to nail down the science. Fire with an orange flame is 2,012 to 2,192 degrees Fahrenheit (1,100 to to 1,200 Celsius), and stands in lava like our boy Wesker. Or does he?

Lava- when magma is above ground- reaches the aforementioned 2,200 degrees Fahrenheit (approx. 1,170 Celsius). Magma is while it is still deep within the Earth. Underground and in a confined space full of rock, the Demon Ruins are turned into the Demon Pizza Oven, much like a volcano’s magma chamber.

Thanks to how bright and orange the magma is glowing, and the confined space, we have no doubt the area must easily blow past 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit (approx. 1649 Celcius) even before factoring in magic. While not that far down, the core of the Earth is estimated to be around 9,800 degrees Fahrenheit (5,430 Celcius).

Ceaseless Discharge’s pad is one of the hottest places to be! Just whatever you do, don’t go rummaging through his sisters’ dresser; he is very protective over their unmentionables, and will be eager to start a fight with anyone who invades their privacy.

 

Heat Man (Mega Man 2)

There is no video game character hotter than Heat Man. While it can be easy to mock the fact that Capcom’s artists cheekily designed him to resemble a zippo lighter, there is no question that Heat Man is truly hot.

This robot goes much further than using flames or molten rock; he goes full nuclear and has an atomic weapon that reaches over 21,600 degrees Fahrenheit (approx. 12,000 Celsius). To put his hotness into perspective; his atomic fire is more intense than both the Earth’s core and the surface of the sun.

Even the Pokemon Magcargo, everyone else’s go to for hot list video game characters, loses out at the highly dubious 18,000 degrees Fahrenheit (10,000 Celcius); the same as the surface of the sun. It wouldn’t be the first time a guy lied about his stats.

So how do we know Heat Man isn’t full of hot air with his eye-watering claim to fame? Should the Blue Bomber decide to fight fire-with-fire, Heat Man doesn’t just shrug off his own weapon; he fully heals himself. A trip to Chernobyl would be a spa day to him.

Actual fire is not as hot as Heat Man; he is so intensely spicy that fire feels cold to him. He is hot and he knows it; his lazy disposition has made him miss out on soccer games, and is above associating with lesser Robot Masters.

The Mega Man games have had a pantheon of fire-based boss characters, but none of them have stood out and have endured the way Heat Man has. It does help that his stage is highly memorable, with a very catchy piece of music, and his gimmicky design makes an impression.

All of these little elements working together has helped define Heat Man as the hottest video game character of all time. Period.

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Fingal Belmont

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A youth destined for damnation.




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