As recently stated in a previous article, in Sega’s acquisition of Index Holdings (and by proxy, Atlus), publishing of Atlus’ flagship titles is now handled by Sega. In an official statement by Sega themselves, the following was explained: “This change is to simplify business accounts, and affects the companies in name only – both Atlus U.S.A. and SEGA of America will still act autonomously, and no games or products will be adversely affected by the publisher unification.”

Unfortunately for the consumer at large, an insider source has revealed this to be false. According to our verified informant, Sega has plans to make Atlus’ upcoming title, Persona 5, more, “inclusive and accessible,” to the average gamer. They have cited social justice concerns as their prime reason for making these changes, claiming that Nintendo of America should be commended for their work on Fire Emblem: Fates.

The amendments to the original Japanese game are as follows:

• Abundantly less gendered language, as well as inclusion of non-binary, polysexual, and otherkin characters.
• Plentiful memes.
• Reasonably, the Tower persona Mara has been censored for looking too much like a penis.
• In-game combat has been removed, replaced by interactive cutscenes. Failing the QTEs is impossible.
• Largely, the Social Link system has been reworked, as focus group testing on Tumblr revealed it to be deeply triggering to asexual and aromantic individuals.
• Further memes.
• Overhaul of the series’ title from, “Persona,” to, “Fursona.”
• Occasionally, an NPC will appear and give you reminders to check your privilege.
• Liters of Mountain Dew purchased will have codes to unlock in-game bonuses.
• Shortly after release, DLC containing randomized hats for the player characters will be made available. This DLC is locked to your unique game key, so if you want a different set of hats, you can simply purchase the game again.

Surely these changes will bring about divisive opinions, but we here at Niche Gamer will remain ever-vigilant. We hope that Sega will reconsider their wicked ways, and bring back Ristar while they’re at it.